Return of the Vulcan Penis Problem

Return of the Vulcan Penis Problem

In honor of the new Trek film I shall revisit a topic that has given me great delight in the past. Today’s lesson will be Vulcan anatomy, specifically the part that’s never mentioned in canon.

You know, [points downward, stage whispering] Spock’s thingie.

This first came up — the topic, you degenerates — when I was writing slash fiction with an internet buddy after the premiere of the Trek reboot. He asked about my take on the whole Vulcan penis thing. His question made sense. The configuration of this specific part of Vulcan anatomy has been a subject of heated debate among pervy geeks since Spock was invented.

Anyway, I began by saying that I don’t believe there’s an ultimate truth to the matter. Whatever writers make up is fine by me, as long as they themselves don’t insist on any ultimate truth. Because, really, I mean, come on.

I pointed out that humaniform is good, and sexy, and has the added advantage of being easy to write. I’ve also heard of retractable, tentacled, corkscrew (like the amazing wood duck) and, of course, the infamous double-ridged. Laura Goodwin, feminist kinkster and activist, has a fun essay about why the double-ridged penis, so popular with the previous generation of Treksmutters, is kind of silly. It’s full of some pretty strong opinions however, so if you’re attached (heh) to the idea that Spock is sporting this kind of tackle then it’s best not to read.

Personally speaking, I likes me the idea of some alien peen. And, biologically, retractable makes sense. Desert mammals on Earth sheathe their swords, in fact most mammals do. And since Vulcans probably urinate less frequently than humans and don’t succumb to the sexual urge but every seven years, it would make sense for them to keep their little sehlats tucked away until the onset of pon farr or the appearance of smooth-talking humanoids. 

With retractable, goes the idea of self-lubricating. This has to do with Vulcan females who I imagine don’t menstruate and are less leaky in other ways as well. Mr. Darwin thinks, the best way to assure the reproductive success of the species might be to distribute the burden of lubrication across the sexes.

Uh, can you tell I like talking about this? [*shifty eyes*]

So do others, it seems. But when I wrote a retractable penis into a voyeur!Sarek story one guy complained that I stole the idea of a retractable penis from the furries and intimated that it was silly to have anything other than completely humaniform wieners for the sons of T’Khasi.

I didn’t answer his comment for a long time. It bugged me, but I kept thinking: Okay, I am not so geeky that I will seriously argue about Vulcan trouser trout.

But then I broke down. Because, let’s face it, I am.


Featured image from the cover of Warp 11’s Boldly Go Down On Me